Si lalake gusto iskor babae. Lalake ligaw babae. Babae tanga, ibig lalake. Lalake wala pag-ibig babae. Gusto lalake iskor lang talaga. Pero babae hindi alam. Kaya babae hulog loob lalake.

Pagkatapos apat na buwan, si lalake break babae. Babae saktan. Iyak babae. Babae ganti lalake. Babae tukso kaibigan lalake. Kaibigan lalake hulog loob babae. Pero babae iwan kaibigan lalake. Babae gusto pa ganti. Kaya babae tukso isa pa kaibigan lalake. Isa pang kaibigan lalake hulog ulit loob babae. Pero babae, iwan. Kita babae isa pa ulit kaibigan mga lalake. Siya tukso ulit kaibigan mga lalake. Tapos, lalake hulog naman babae. Babae, ulit iwan. Ngayon sabi mga lalake, babae landi. Panget babae, sabi lalaki. Babae, ok lang. Lalaki takot babae, sabi lalake susumbong babae sa tatay.

Babae kaba. Babae takot. Tatay babae pastor. Hala!

Tapos na.

Original Language; Translation …

Mee Ai chi taw mee la shung lee. Mee la chi taw wa-pak mee la. Chap Mee Ai wur lu ik sei Mee Ai wa un ong Tagalog. Mee Ai Chinese. Wey mee la chi taw yo u shung lee ey pa nu-uy. O tei shung lee;

Mu Mai Shong lee pek lay buta ta Sheng Mai. Mai Shong lee han na Sheng Mai. Sheng Mai taena, lao – yan Mai Shong lee. Mai Shong lee ahan na ey pag-lao – yan Sheng Mai. Pek lay Mai Shong lee buta ta la – ang ows. Wey Sheng Mai wa weh. Ay – ay Sheng Mai hun swe es tung Mai Shong lee.

Ey de eng aey pat na chin, mu Mai Shong lee bas ak Sheng Mai. Sheng Mai seik tan. Awuu awuuu Sheng Mai. Sheng Mai war la Mai Shong lee. Sheng Mai eng eng kalao – yanan Mai Shong lee. Kalao – yanan Mai Shong lee hun swe es tung Sheng Mai. Wey Sheng Mai bab u kalao – yanan Mai Shong lee. Sheng Mai pek lay ey pa war la. Ay – ay Sheng Mai eng eng isei ey pa kalao – yanan Mai Shong lee. Isei ey pang kalao – yanan Mai Shong lee hun swe til ong es tung Sheng Mai. Wey Sheng Mai, bab u.

Ki – ta Sheng Mai isei ey pa til ong kalao – yanan ma Mai Shong lee. Muya eng eng til ong kalao – yanan ma Mai Shong lee. Di eng, Mai Shong lee hun swe tum pak Sheng Mai. Sheng Mai, til ong bab u.

Wat na seibi ma Mai Shong lee, Sheng Mai kereng keng. Ey zoraida Sheng Mai, seibi mai shong lee. Sheng Mai, keri la – ang. Mai Shong lee tee Ayut Sheng Mai, seibi Mai Shong lee bur ong Sheng Mai sei pud ra.

Sheng Mai kab – og. Sheng Mai tee ayut. Pud ra Sheng Mai ey ban mei al. Tsupi

Di eng na.

“Ano buh! Ano buh’rrr!!!” habang pilit na kinakalas ni Alona ang mga kamay sa kanyang leeg. Sa higpit, hindi siya maintidihan ni Eloy.

“Hayop Ka!” – at nakuha pa’ng magmura sa lagay niya’ng iyan.

“Anub. Buh! Bita. Bitawan. Mok. Mo ak. Akooo’rrr!” Tulo laway.

Samantalang si Eloy, hindi natitinag sa pagsakal. Poker face baga. Lalo tuloy nangingitim ang dati nang maitim na mukha ni Alona. Halata sa gilid ng kanyang mukha ang linya’ng dinaraanan ng astringent no.3

Sound proof ang kitchen na ito kaya walang magawa ang lyric coloratura soprano niyang paghum habang sinasakal. Humming ang naisip niyang paraan to get attention. Sinubukan niyang sumigaw at humingi ng saklolo pero laway lang ang lumabas.

Nasipat ni Alona ang mantika’ng ginamit niya sa pagprito ng bisugo kagabi. Habang abala si Eloy sa pagpiga ng kanyang leeg, tumityempo naman siya’ng abutin ang maitim na transparent na garapon – at nang maabot, dali-dali niya ito’ng binuksan at ibinuhos sa leeg. Parang nagkaroon ng minahan ng cooking oil na bumulwak from nowhere sa leeg.

Unti-unting dumudulas ang pagkakasakal na iyon ni Eloy. At unti-unti na ri’ng nanunumbalik sa natural na itim ang mukha ni Alona hanggang sa tuluyan siya’ng makakawala sa pagkakasakal na iyon.

Nagtititiling tumakas papalabas ng bahay ang baklitang si Eloy. Asar-talo si Alona. Hindi nakaganti. Damn it!

Anyways, going back –

And so the game; paramihan ng babaeng mabibiktima; mapapa-inlove; then ditch. Point system. 10 points ang pinakamababa. Mas maraming babaeng iiwanan sa gitna ng kahibangan, gets the most points. Kapag ang babae ay naglupasay, naghabol, umiyak at nagtangkang magpakatiwakal, gets the perfect score. You set your own deadline. It’s a man’s ballgame. Deal?

The Player
Yuri Strongman, 20 years old. College Senior, graduating. Varsity player. Hindi tunay na pangalan. Pero sasabihin ko na rin – It’s Eumorfo Lacasta-o. He is the usual above average good looking guy you always see where benches exist – with his, of course, equally tall and good looking friends. Yuri at 5’11, is definitely THE man of every girls’ fantasy. Who would not want to date a hunk? – and a campus celebrity at that. Kahit nga si Mrs. Estrella Pagaduan ng Pol Sci, kung makapisil ng bicep niya parang araw araw Pasko. Kaya naman nagsiselos itong si Mr. Dionisio Fortunato ng Finite Math – kay Mrs. Pagaduan. [Hiyaw!]

The Victim
Sasha Pierce, kasing edad ni Yuri at graduating din kagaya niya. Quiet. May pagka-misteryosa. Mahinhin at may dating, lalo na kapag nagsmile. She’s taller than petite, curvy, maputi. Hindi rin niya tunay na pangalan, pero sasabihin ko na rin – Susana Tusocta-Lim. Yeah, I would say she’s pretty pero, you know, para sa mga babaeng mga insekyora – “maputi lang”. So you may go figure who among those girls you know are either pretty or maputi lang. She probably looks like Sasha. And because I described her as misteryosa, guess what? – naka eyeglasses s’ya. [Ganap!]

The Accomplices
Yuri’s friends – many to mention but more or less of the same age and college status. Sila ‘yung mga guys na madalas nakaupo where benches exist. Madalas nagtatawanan, karamihan naka-shorts and fitted shirt, may mga sunglasses na ginagawang headband at of course, hindi mawawala ang mga high-tech gadgets gaya ng cellphone at Ipod. Madalas busy sila kaka-text. Bihasa rin sa multi-tasking, nakikinig ng ipod habang nagtitext. They are those typical cute guys you see in the campus; popular; rich-y rich; may f and v defects pero cute; tall guys pero kopya ang term papers – pero cute; madalas nang-uuto mapakopya lang sa exams – pero pagngumiti, ang cute!

Ok, Game!

Boy Meets Girl; Day 1
At dahil madalas sa library si Sasha, library ang pinakauna sa plot. Yuri spotted her at the corner reading Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights. Sasha was so engaged with the book that she didn’t notice Yuri’s presence who just sat across the shiny, reddish, time-tested table.

“Mahilig ka pala sa mga science fictions” – the guy

That was a total flop to begin with. There were much discussions as to what genre Wuthering Heights should belong to; Gothic, Tragedy, Romance that eventually lead to agreeing that Bronte’s novel was a combination of these three. Pero kahit kailan hindi naging science fiction ang Wuthering Heights! [Hunk ka nga!]

“By the way, I’m Yuri. Madalas kita makita dito. Mahilig din kasi ako magbasa pero hindi lang halata. I’m taking up Political Science. I think it follows na mahilig din ako sa mga science fictions. Familiar ka sa Lord of the Rings? E, sa Harry Potter? The Best! Napanuod ko sa sine”

Yuri got Sasha’s mobile number that day. He got into the base, and he would want some more of it. Yuri? – 10 points for you!

 The Second Base; Day 2
So after sms exchanges at ilang minuto’ng unlimited calls, Yuri was able to convince Sasha to meet at the canteen the following day. Mas nakilala niya si Sasha sa maiksing oras na ito. He used to see Sasha as simple, quiet pero smart. He realized that Sasha had a sense of humor and could carry conversation. She could talk about cars, basketball, men’s health at kung anu-ano pang bagay na may kinalaman sa mga kalalakihan.

“There’s no such thing as killer abs in just one or two weeks. Pero mas madaling magkaroon ng muscles ang mga lalaki compared to us. Iba kasi ang composition ng male muscles sa mga babae. Generally, ang mga babae, mas maraming fats stored. But to achieve six pack abs, you have to lose weight muna, and then start toning by crunches and leg extension exercises”

This was just a wow! I can tell you, Yuri was swept by Sasha’s knowledge about workout. Pero Yuri had to remember, meron game na dapat tapusin, meron points na dapat kunin.

Speaking of the Game; Fast forward to Day 27
Siguro mga 45 minutes nang naghihintay sa Scott Burger stand si Sasha pero wala siyang makita ni anino ng lalaking nagyaya sa kanya manuod ng sine ng hapong ito. Malinaw pa sa liwanag ng morning sunshine ang usapan – 12:30 pm, Scott burger stand. Ano’ng oras na? Nabilang na nga niya kung ilang order na ang benta ng Scott Burger, umabot na ito sa 17. Ibig sabihin nito, 34 burgers na ang naididispatsa since buy one, take one ang burger sa Scott Burger. [Tara na!]

“Hey, m hir n. San n u?”

She waited for another 25 minutes para lang sa reply ni Yuri. Sa pagkakataong ito, 76 burgers na ang naididispatsa, kasama na yung kanina.

“BB, soweee. Pwde bng rsked n lng ntin nxtwk? Kc dmating cuzns ko frm Compostela Valley. Kmi na lang muna nuod cne. K lng b, bb? Lab u”

Ngayon, umabot na sa 78 ang total ng burger na nadispatsa. Bumili na rin kasi si Sasha para sa pananghalian. Pagkatapos magpadagdag ng malabnaw na ketchup, umuwi na si Sasha. At si Yuri? – additional 30 points dahil sa “ar-ouch” that he inflicted to Sasha’s heart at another 10 points para sa Compostela Valley; for coming up with a believable alibi. Total of 40 points.

Despite of this, hindi nakuhang magalit ng girl. I would say, she has remained calm and forgiving. Tinamaan ‘ata ng lintek.

 At ang lalaki naman, mas lalo’ng humanga sa attitude ni Sasha. Pero! Yuri? – H’wag kakalimutan na merong game na dapat tapusin, at puntos na dapat kunin. Ikaw dapat ang magpapa-inlove, at hindi ikaw ang mai-inlove. Deal?

Indian, the day after the Scott Burger Incident; Day 28
Yuri with his friends. Ang totoo, ayos lang naman kung hindi kasama ang araw na ito sa kwento. You know, the usual stuff men talk about – Girls. At dahil binanggit ko ang mga kaibigan ni Yuri sa introduction, minarapat ko ng makinig sa mga kwentuhan nila.

“Fare, ilang foints na va meron ka huh? Valita ko valiw na valiw raw si Sasha sa’yo ah! O, kailan mo va ivavasura ang vavae mo?”

Sana hindi ka nagulat nang magsalita ang isa sa kanila. Binalaan naman kita, hindi ba? May mga tao talagang gwapo pero kapos sa ibang aspeto.

“Mga ilang araw pa, bibinggo na ako. I’m gonna call it quits. Watch me, pare. I’m gonna get 100 points for this. Just Watch!”

I told you, men are wicked! Pero alam ko na may soft spot for love si Yuri. Ang totoo, bago pa siya pumunta sa bench na ito para makipagkwentuhan sa mga kaibigan niya’ng may F and V defects, dumaan na siya sa Mini-stop para bumili ng sorry card for Sasha. [sweet!]

“Siguradu-in mo lang ‘fre! Muk-ang ikaw ‘ata ang na-u-ulog sa kanya e. Vaka ikaw ang in-lab! Aminin mo na! Alata naman sa muk-a mo e kapag magkasama kayo ni Sasiya” – isa pa sa kanila, this one has f and v defects too. And a pure Kapampangan.

Yuri got 35 points for the card.

Mukhang Mababaliktad ang Lahat; Day 32
Days 29, 30 and 31 were the longest Yuri had to bear – and the hardest at that. Sasha had no sms for the last 3 days. At hindi man niya aminin, he missed Sasha. Una, inakala niyang wala itong load kaya nagpasa-load siya. Pina-load-an din nga niya ang number ni Sasha ng Php 40.00 para may libreng text to other networks. Pangalawa, morbid – inisip niya’ng nagpakatiwakal na ito. Binawi naman niya agad, masyado naman ‘atang proactive si Sasha.

And he was too selfish and was into the game that he never asked Sasha’s address nor landline. It was all about the game. He wanted to see Sasha. Dying. Dying to see Sasha.

Yuri? – minus 10 points for missing Sasha this bad.

At Nabaliktad na nga ang Lahat; Day 32.5 [that night]
Against the moonlit floor, Yuri held Sasha’s hand like he has never held someone’s hand this tight. He knew he felt it. She knew he felt it. He knew, she did too. And amidst the forthcoming shower, he took time to stare;

“Sasha, I’m sorry… I miss you so much” – nalintikan na! Tama ang kapampangang may f and v defects.

They kissed. Yuri? – 50 points for you! But remember, may game na dapat tapusin, may points na dapat kunin!

The Day before the MotMot; Fast forward to Day 46
Heto na, si Yuri with his friends again. This was the day they planned the “ditch”. The question was, kakayanin mo kaya gayun’g mahal mo na si Sasha.

“P-pare! B-blib dd-din ako s-sa-sa’yo! S-sa-sa mumumu-motel mu-mu-m-mo sss-sasabihin? Sa-sss-sa mumumu-motel k-kk-ka makikikiki pag bb-break?” – isa sa mga kaibigang utal-utal magsa-s-ss-salita [minsan, nakakaha-h-haw-w-wwa]

Yuri did not answer. Bad trip. Madalas kasi mag-init ang ulo niya sa bulol na ito. Kadalasan ang kaibigan niya’ng may f and v defects ang nagpapaliwanag sa utal.

“Oo! Nakakaviliv talaga. Fagkatafos ng pun niya sasavihin kay Sasha na… ‘Oh, Sasha… makikifag vreak na ako. Ayoko na ng relasyon na ito!’ At syempre, siguradong iiyak ng todo ang vavaeng iyon. Ayos ‘fre! Ferfect foints ‘yan!”

Ang Motmot at ang Ditch; Day 47
Men, some of them are wicked! Yuri planned to have sex with Sasha before ditching her. Wicked. Ang Sasha naman, hindi mapakali sa loob ng kwartong iniilawan ng malamlam na kulay. Sana hindi muna matapos ang sigarilyo’ng hinihithit ni Yuri at sana rin, hindi pa matuyo ang buhok niyang pinapaluputan pa ng off-white na towel. Mas mapapahaba ang pagiisip niya to get this thing on or back out

Tinitigan siya ng malagkit ni Yuri. Tinapos ang sigarilyo, naghubad ng pantaas – his bod exposed. At sa saliw ng Careless Whisper, sumayaw siya sa harap ng salamin. Mga ilang minuto pa, lumapit ito kay Sasha. [Lagot!]

Sasha asked Yuri to take a bath first, na siya nama’ng ginawa ng huli. Yuri spent almost 20 minutes in the bathroom, mukha talagang susulitin ang gabing ito. Kunsabagay, this would have been the big day. 100 points ito.

When Yuri came out from that cubicle naked, he saw Sasha in his sexiest. At sa saliw ng Careless Whisper, nagsimula ulit siyang umindayog. Back and forth kay Sasha at sa salamin. This was the seduction moment, at guess what? – Tinablan si Sasha! [kitam!]

Sasha pulled Yuri to bed and blindfolded him. She kissed Yuri in the lips… cheeks… ears… neck and shoulder. Her lips travelled almost everywhere. She was taking her time, while the blindfolded Yuri was taking it all. Slow and smooth.

And her lips travelled even farther, down there. So down there. Sasha was so engrossed while Yuri felt something rough going on down there. But he thought it was exciting. He took his time, and when it was – he unfolded himself.

Down there, he saw Mr. Dionisio Fortunato! Smiling as if he had the whole world!

The day after that, his version of careless whisper had fifty thousand views in youtube 3 hours after Sasha has posted it. While his moments in the bathroom for 20 minutes had the most number of comments.

Sasha? – you got the perfect score!

A week before March 8, Kim Joon Ho told Joo Min Sung about their posh dinner. They were both excited. They both freed up their schedules for March 8.

Monday before that Sunday, Kim Joon Ho fetched Joo Min Sung from work. Unknown to Joo Min Sung, Kim Joon Ho bought clothes for the Sunday dinner. This would have been one of the nights to remember!

The next day, Kim Joon Ho greeted Joo Min Sung with their usual goodmornings but this time there was an additional sweet-nothings that read: “See you on Sunday, Beh”

So everytime that Kim Joon Ho texted, there was always that note saying either “See you on Sunday” or “Eating with you at Chateau”. Later that day of Wednesday, Joo Min Sung met up with Kim Joon Ho. They had a dinner and talked about their plans for Sunday. They both agreed that they will meet up somewhere at 5:00pm and will go to Chateau together by 7.

Kim Joon Ho would have fetched Joo Min Sung on March 8, 5:00pm. All plans planned, as they both called it.

The couple always made it sure that Thursday is a Krispy Kreme Breakfast day. They met, they ate and talked about the forthcoming dinner. Pants? – ready! Colors? – ready! Shoes? – of course! Time? – 8! Place? – Chateau!

Kim Joon Ho brought Joo Min Sung home later that Friday night. Kim Joon Ho kissed Joo Min Sung goodbye and goodnight. It was indeed a busy weekender for both of them. Of course, anticipating alone was pressuring. Kim Joon Ho confirmed with Chateau the dinner and that everything should be flawless and romantic as possible. Sweet? – Definitely

Saturday was like almost everyday of the week. Sweet-nothings; the calls, the iloveyou’s, the texts. But this Saturday was very special for Kim Joon Ho, he had to prep and make sure that he’d look good tomorrow. They didn’t go out this day. It was like both of them were getting married tomorrow.

Sunday, Kim Joon Ho’s mood was light and breezy. Checking his hair, his skin, his clothes, shoes, perfume, watch and of course, Chateau. At 4:00pm, Kim Joon Ho sent Joo Min Sung a message, “Hello, Beh! See you at 5pm”

Joo Min Sung, in his reply “Hi Beh! Hindi ako papayagan kasi masyado ng late yung 8pm. Baka magtanong sila na bakit ako aalis ng alas-singko ng hapon, Sunday pa. Tapos ano’ng oras na tayo makakauwi, may pasok pa ako bukas. Kailangan 6:00 am na sa work na ako kasi may set-up kami sa Alabang”

Kim Joon Ho, in his reply said “Ok, no probs”

Joo Min Sung never heard anything from Kim Joon Ho again after that Sunday. No reply. Calls rejected. YM ignored. Email spammed.

Klap! Klap! for Kim Joon Ho.